Just a day...

So, today's that day... it's 9 years since Jacques left all of us in this world and moved onto the next.  Back then, I honestly believed that he was the lucky one and if I didn't have Jake, I'd have followed him quite quickly.

It's quite hard on days like these, not to sit and look at the clock, to remember what we were doing and when we said our last goodbyes.  It's hard not to remember the police knocking on my door with Jacques wedding band, wallet and car keys.  It's impossible not to remember the phone calls made and received and the long, physically aching days that followed.  Planning a funeral and packing up a home with a newborn. Saying goodbye to hopes and dreams.  In my heart, I know these things so well.  I've lived with them for 9 years and I will carry them for the rest of my life.  The first year was hard, the second even harder.  I didn't believe I'd ever reach a stage when I could get out of bed and feel like a normal person.  I didn't believe I'd ever go to sleep at night, without crying myself to sleep.  There were days when I'd have given anything to jump off my ship.  But here we are.  9 years on.  And, while today still sucks, it's bearable and I can still laugh and enjoy my day.  I didn't wake up in tears this morning and, with my exhibition tonight, I'm actually quite looking forward to my day.  There is wine coming and I have chocolate in the cupboard for tonight.  Today is NOT the day that Jacques died; it's just a day and I'm so grateful that I have come this far.  Still, while I want to just get on with it and pretend that every thing's fine, my heart is heavy and I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss him immensely.  I know that Jacques' mom and dad, his sisters and my own family are all together today in our thoughts.  We are strong!  And to ignore the day, by not saying anything here, well that would just be wrong...

I've given a lot of thought about whether or not today is the right day to share my next bit of  news here too.  It's debatable and I'm sure there are some out there who will think I'm very wrong, but the more I've thought about it, the more appropriate I think it is and since it's my blog... well, you just have to deal with it!  I think Jacques would be really happy for Jake and I with where we find ourselves and, more importantly, with whom...

So, yes, as a select few already know, I've met a someone!  After my past relationships, I think it was fairly easy to see that I had my heart set on being single forever.  It was much less complicated that way, but sometimes the universe has bigger, better plans in store and there's not a lot you can do to stop it.  I've enjoyed my single time, but this is way more fun!!

I thought all relationships were complicated and dating a divorcee was bound to be really rough, ex-wife, kids and all, but it's been so easy and such fun so far.  M is kind and gentle and generous and affectionate and attentive and uncomplicated and he's the most amazing dad to his two gorgeous boys, who are 8 & 10.  Jake is beyond excited with his two new friends and the are forever climbing into each other yelling "time to die"!  It's all very entertaining and we really miss his boys when they have their weekends with their mom, it's so quiet!!  His eldest son has even decided that we need to buy the house next door, so that they can always see Jake.

M lives really close to the beach, not too far away from us, and the boys have heaps of fun playing on the dunes and looking for shark's teeth together.  While it is still very early days for us, only about a month, it's comfortable and relaxed and fun and I can't remember when last I laughed so much.  Oh my word, do we laugh!  And we go on proper dates and we don't watch TV (mostly cos both his are broken) and we braai and go for walks with the kids - I am being so spoiled, but loving every second of it.  While I think I have managed to convince myself that I'm happy in past relationships, I feel like I am really, truly happy, for the first time in 9 years.  Long may it last!

Sending much love,

Sue XXX