Friday Photo: Life is but a walking shadow

So I'm really late with this one, but I feel that it's more appropriate to my week and how I am feeling, specifically today. I know it's not the best photo ever, but for me it's quite poignant, showing Jake's 'shadow' looking through the glass at the aquarium at life under the sea. He loves the aquarium, which is quite ironic, considering how his father died. I like to believe that he'll grow up content to look at marine life through the glass, rather then beneathe the waves of our seas...

Today is quite a tough day for me. It's Jake's birthday tomorrow and I can't help but go through every second of the days leading up to his birthday, remember what was and what should've been. Jake's going through quite a rough patch himself at the moment and I think that my emotions are rubbing off on him. He's very "clingy" at the moment and cries when I go out. At our monthly dinner club, I had him on the phone in tears because I wasn't coming home. He's also started saying that he doesn't want to go to school, which he's always loved and is obviously a concern for me. This morning, after I left for work, my mom found him crying quietly in his room. He told her that he wanted me to come home again. My mom warned his teacher that he's feeling a bit sensitive this morning and mentioned that he's upset about something. They chatted a bit and my mom mentioned that he's clinging to me at the moment. The kids learnt a song for mother's day, it goes "Happy mother's day, just for you, just for you, just for you. Happy mother's day just for you. I love you. Hugs and kisses all day long, all day long, all day long, hugs and kisses all day long. I love you." This week, they changed the words and sang the song for their dads. I want to cry just thinking about my son singing this song to his dad. What went through his little mind? So, I think that this in combination with Jake's up coming birthday and his knowledge that his dad was at his birth, but is no longer here, has made Jake realise so deeply that he only has one parent and that if he loses me, he's got no one. He's started talking about the other kids parents a lot too now, so is very aware of his little world. He's also very aware of life and death at the moment and about age - he's forever telling me I'm still young, so he's obviously worried about it.

Anyway, he's a very loved, very special little thing and we all adore him more then he could ever imagine. I've completely spoilt him for his birthday and I hope that he's going to enjoy his enormous party on Saturday. I've worked very hard to make it a happy day for him. I'm only working till lunch time tomorrow, so will have the whole day with him! YAY!

XXX