Blindsided...

There are times in life, when a curve ball is tossed in your direction and hits you square in the face.  It knocks you out and you are blinded by the pain that shoots across your face, to your head, through your heart and the rest of your body, until your entire life simply cramps in agony...

Marius dumped me. Not just me, but my precious Jake as well and our hearts are simply broken.

For reasons that I will never know, our wonderful, happy relationship is over.  For the first time in a long time (since Jacques died), I was really completely happy and excited by life.  I felt like everything was going so well for us, but this has destroyed all my hopes and dreams of happiness and and our little "family" is no more.  My heart is physically aching for the boys that I have loved like my own and now lose.  And it is so hard to see my child grieving for his "brothers", as he calls them.  it has sucked having to take their Christmas presents back to the stores for refunds, but what else must I do?  It feels like we have lost everything and yet, we still have each other and we will cling to that.  Jake and I do that well.

I have spent many sleepless hours wondering how Marius could possibly have reach the decision that our relationship was worth ending.  It was a really great relationship.  I have been completely blindsided by his decision and I feel like such a fool.  We were so great together and we had a very well balanced relationship.  We hardly ever saw each other during the week and we both enjoyed our freedom.  Our weekends were always spent down at his beach house.  Marius had time for his training I never once stopped him from spending time with his friends or family.  I'm not that sort of person.  I must also add that I have never pressurized him into making any further commitment to me, I was happy with the way thinks were going.  Marius' excuses feel so wishy-washy and I can't get my head around it.  There has to be more lurking behind it...

I wish I had an answer, a decent reason to give my child for this sudden end.  I will spend the rest of my life wondering and missing him.  The hurt I feel right now, feels almost as bad as what I felt when Jacques died and I wish that I could stop crying for five flippen minutes.

This break up experience has been so damaging to my child and it has ruined our Christmas holidays to a very large extent.  Thank goodness it didn't happen during exams!!  I am dreading going to my work function alone tonight, which happens to be at Buitenverwachting, which was a big enough hurdle to overcome on its own.  My entire family is in Jhb for my cousin's wedding this weekend, so Jake and I are alone.

I must say, that I do love Marius and I have nothing bad to say about him.  I would take him back and give us a second chance in a heartbeat, but I know that he won't change his mind.  He just didn't love me.


Sending love,
Sue XXX