And so...

It's been a few years since I remembered this date on my blog.  Actually, looking back, the last time I did was in 2011...  

Today is Jacques' birthday.  Actually, no it's not...it used to be, but today is really just another day.  I'll always remember Jacques on his birthday and I'll always wonder what he'd be like another year on, but something has changed for me in the last while.  And so, while I am closely remembering Jacques and all the happy times we shared, all day today (this year, Jake is too), this post is about me.

The days after Jacques died passed by me in a blur.  It was utterly awful and there are moments I'd rather not re-live.  Ever.  I was revolting and must've been hell to live with!  When I look back at the photos, I am reminded how I was really just going through the motions.  Thankfully, I have the most wonderful parents, who took Jake and I and our 2 dogs into their home and helped me deal with picking up the pieces on a daily basis.  They have played a huge role in helping me raise Jake - we lived with them for 6 years!  It was a time when I honestly didn't care too much about anything at all, especially me.

These pictures were taken in the "early days" and I think I looked as bad as I felt.  This pic of Jake and I with my mom, was taken on 24 September, just less than 3 months after Jacques died.  We made a trip up the West Coast for the day - at least we were good at getting out the house and at least I managed a smile...

 A few weeks later, just after Jacques' birthday in 2004, I chopped my hair off.  I hate this picture of myself, but it's who I was back then and make-up and dressing nicely weren't much of a concern at all.  Be glad I wasn't in my pajamas!  Thankfully my mom at least cared that my hair always looked OK...

In time, I have to say, that I have learnt how to deal with the hurt that I felt back then.  I didn't believe people when they told me it would get easier to live with and I hated knowing that I was going to go through my whole life without Jacques; that Jake wouldn't know his dad.  The thought of ever meeting someone who made me just as happy was not even a possibility.  Not even a thought.

Very consciously, but I can't tell you when, I decided that I didn't always want to be unhappy.  I don't think I'm a sad person, by nature.  I actually avoid it at all costs and don't even watch sad movies!  I didn't want to go through life sulking and lonely.  I was just 27 back then and hopefully still had a long life to live!  I had Jake to live for and he was an amazing distraction.  He was growing up fast and time was gaining momentum.  The years were going faster and he was becoming his own little person.  School stated and, flip it keeps you so busy, Monday starts and Friday's here before you know it.  Jake is growing up more and more and I'd slowly started healing.

At the time, you don't believe it's possible.  You don't believe you'll ever feel "normal" again.  You don't think you'll want to get dressed and put make up on and go out and chat and laugh and have a glass of wine and meet new people and fall in love and be happy and yet, before you know it, 10 years have passed and you're a whole new person.  Same-same, but so very different.  

At 37, I love being able to look back and see how I've grown up and what I've learned and how I treasure the here and now.  I wonder if Jacques would like the changes in me.  I love my family and my friends and my Jake.  I love Marius and his boys - they are part of my inner circle and I love our time together.  I am really, truly and very deeply happy again. 10 years ago, I NEVER dreamed it was possible.

Thank you to everyone who has put up with me and my issues and who played a role in getting me to where I am today.  I know I'm not perfect, but I love you all more than you will ever know.

Love,

Sue XXX