Counting blessings...

Hopefully this break between my posts hasn't been too long for all of you. I have been trying all week to think of things to put up on my blog and had absolutely no idea what I could possibly bore you with. Anyway, today's Thursday and my office is so darned quiet, I have no idea what to do with the rest of my day. I don't think my office has ever been this clean! It's going to be a long day...

So, yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of Jacques' death. I guess it's always one of those days that's going to be a tough one on our calander. I can't help myself but re-live every moment minute-by-minute. From the time I kiss Jacques goodbye at the gate as he was leaving to go on his dive, to playing with Jacques, to the voice mail message I left on Jacques phone. The one that said "Hi, it's me. Where are you? Have you drowned, have you been eaten by a shark? Please phone me. I love you." To the police knocking on the door (fortunately they went to the wrong house, so brought a friend with), to phoning my parents, to sitting down and wondering what to do next. I can remember so clearly how I felt when I went to bed that night, where Jacques had slept just hours earlier, and my feelings when I woke up the next morning. It's a hollow, empty feeling and it literally aches with every ounce of your being. The kind of feeling where your stomach just drops into nowhere. When you know that there's nothing you can say or do that can ever change what's happened. It's permanent. It's a hurt that over powers everything else and, looking back, I honestly don't know how I survived it. I always said that if anything ever happened to Jacques, they could just dig a hole and bury me in the ground next to him. Funny how life works. Jake was just 6 weeks old and he must just have instinctively known that he needed to be good. He was an angel. I was blessed not to suffer any hassles with my milk supply and continued to breast-feed Jake through the whole ordeal. In every single way, I think that having him be so young, so dependant on me, was the biggest blessing I could have been sent. I knew I had to eat and drink to take proper care of me for his sake, regardless of how little I actually felt like eating or drinking. And, in between, I enjoyed every moment of him. Every second I spent with him renewed something within me. As tiny as he was, as unaware as he was of what was going on around him, he carried me through it all. When you go through something like this, you learn to count your blessings - I had Jake, he needed me. I don't think this day will ever pass where I won't re-live what we went through that day. It will always, always hurt and I will always regret the way things turned out. I have learnt though, that I can't turn back the clock; I can't rewind; we just have to keep moving forward and enjoy every moment of what we have to share while we are on this earth and look forward to what we will share and enjoy in the life here-after...

Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be so heavy, I hope I haven't got you all in tears. On a more cheerful note, I decided that I needed to make yesterday a happy day for Jake. He's too little to understand what it means and, even if he did, I don't see why he should be forced to feel down with the world. Facing facts, he didn't know Jacques. As much as it kills me to know that he'll never know and love his dad, it's a reality. He'll miss having a father, but not specifically Jacques. Anyway, he spent the day with Jacques' folks yesterday and they took him through to Hout Bay for breakfast. Last night, we went out for pizzas with my family. We had a glass of wine and all actually had a very nice time together. Just goes to show, a lot of this is about how you chose to deal with things.

I've got about a gazillion photos I'm going to bore you with now. My dad popped in with his digital camera earlier, so I down-loaded everything he had on it.

Jake swimming...

After the Shrek preview - my mom and Jake...

LAST NIGHT'S DINNER

Rosanne & Gareth...

My dad, Jake & I...

My mom and Jake...

Only in Winter - Jake enjoying the left-over ice...

On a last sad note, I found the lyrics to a song that I found too true for my life and thought I'd share them...

Pink - Who Knew

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Lots & lots of love and thanks to everyone who thought about us yesterday, means the world xxx

I forgot...

I forgot to tell you one other bit of exciting news; well for me anyway. I've enroled in an art class! It's something I never imagined myself doing, but I really think I'm going to enjoy it. My next door neighbour is a professional artist and he's running classes from home. It's from 11 - 2 on Saturdays, which suits me, because baby sitters aren't a problem and if the worst comes, then Jake can always go with me. This last Saturday was my first class and I had to do a charcoal still-life. To be honest, I had no idea where to start and giggled like an idiot for the first 20 minutes. It all seems very social and there are about 8 of us (there were only 5 there this past weekend). They bring wine and have snacks to eat. The wine at 11am definitely relaxes your nerves and helps you do what you have to. Anyway, Izak said my charcoal drawing was really good and he said he was impressed that I could actually draw. I must take a photo of it to put up here, so you can see it. So, this coming Saturday, I am starting my first offical painting and I'm really looking to it. I went out on Tuesday night to buy all my paints, brushes and canvass. Now I just need to find a picture of something I'd like to paint...

OK, OK...

Morning!

Seems like Facebook is a bit of a problem for me at the moment. My blogging (and everything else) is severly suffering from it. You have no idea how far behind I am on my e-mails. And it's not really like I've done much with Facebook, it's just so much fun catching up with people you've forgotten about and looking at pictures of their lives. So, please forgive me for not having been blogging, I promise that from now on, I'll do my blogging (and work) before I open Facebook...

So, what's up? Actually a lot of nothing on our side. Things are looking up for a change and life's quite exciting. That said, nothing's really happened yet. What the heck am I talking about? Well, I've met this guy. Yippee! He's really, really nice, but for now, he doesn't even know that I like him. We're really just starting to become friends, but I do get the feeling that he's possibly a little interested too. And, this is some serious opening up for me, only a very few selected friends know he even exists. He's 38, never been married, has no kids, but is dying to settle down and have a family. Sadly, he travels for extended periods throughout the year (he's the chief marine engineer on some international fishing boat - sounds aweful, hey?). His longest trips away are for 2 months, but he's normally only away for 2 - 3 weeks. I've known him since I was about 12. Back then though, he was 20 and I was just a kid. Jacques came along and my mind never ventured further then that. Now though, he's just broken up with his girlfriend (yes, he finally did it!) and is looking pretty good from where I'm sitting. He's really sweet with Jake (the little time that they've spent together) and I just have such a good feeling about him. Time will tell, I might be setting myself up for some serious disappointment. I just don't believe that we are meant to grow old alone. I lost Jacques very early in life and at the time I said there'd be no way I'd ever love anyone else. I can honestly say that I can feel that something in me's changed within me. I am feeling happier then I've felt in years and I'm looking forward to what the future holds for Jake & I. I do believe that the love I shared with Jacques was unique, but I also believe that I can love someone else, just as deeply. Anyway, for now, the "new guy's" away and he'll probably only be home around 10 July. Will keep you posted...

As for Jake, he's had quite a bad cold lately, which has developed into a bit of a cough the last 2 days. He hasn't been going to swimming this week - I can't handle snotty noses. His coughing seems to have gotten worse since yesterday, so the anti-snot medicine I've been giving him obviously hasn't worked to it's full extent. Must go get a cough-suppressant tonight. We had dinner at the in-laws last night, which was nice. It was Tammy's birthday. Justin was teasing Jake and pushed him at the table - Jake pushed him back and I was quite surprised at my child's strength. Justin got him in some kind of rugby lock and Jake just shouted "get him off me". I can't believe the things he says and does these days. He's also become incredibly protective of me. Rebecca, my youngest niece, was moaning at her mom and I for being rude about something and Jake turned around to face her, lifted his finger in the air, glared at her, then, without saying a word, turned and put his arms around my legs, keeping up the glare. He also told my mom recently "I look after my mommy, I not let her die." It amazes me the depth of his thoughts sometimes.

I was looking through some really old photos to put up on Facebook (some of Jacques with Jake) and I can't believe how tiny he was. He's grown up and has learnt so much in 3 short years. It's unbelievable. I thought I'd share a few special, old photos with you so you can see for yourselves:

This was taken the night Jake was born. He was about 3 1/2 hours old...

Going home from the hospital. Jacques bought Jake this tracksuit - it was huge and also he wore it on his first birthday!

The next two are of the first bath Jacques gave him at home. He was always home to do the bathing; his favourite was cuddling his boy dry...

My boys snoozing together...

Then while I was looking through my old pictures, I also found some of Buitenverwachting. Not too many of our own pictures were digital (we only got our digital camera a couple of days before Jake was born and then all the photos were of him!). But I found some on their web site too. We lived in a corner of heaven, didn't we??

The entrance to the farm...

The view from our patio

Another view from our garden...

The Manor House...

Rolling Vineyards (our house was just over the hill and around to the right, further up from that mansion)...

The building with the four peaks on the right is the cellar and the farm restaurant's next door. The previous picture was taken of the vineyards to the left, looking back...

Joanne and Pual left on holiday on Sunday. They've gone to Costa del Sol in Spain for a week, then on to Madeira, Portugal for another week. They've got friends getting married in Madeira, so it should be a good party. I've had a few sms's from them and it sounds like they're having a good time. Paul's luggage got lost in transit, but the airline managed to find it a day later. Yesterday they were off to Marbella for the day and she said they are still planning to go see flamenco dancing and bullfighting. Somehow, I don't think Joanne's quite aware of the brutality of a bullfight, but I guess she's going to find out the hard way. It's something I'm so dead against, there's no ways I could sit through something like that!! Anyway, you live and learn! Here's a picture of them checking in their luggage...

Joanne and Paul checking in for their holiday...

Besides that, not a lot to tell. I hope, Ronnie, that you're happy to have some news from me! I think that this blog is seriously over-long, but hope you enjoyed it anyway! Thanks for shaking me into remembering about my blog (I do religiously read everyone else's daily though, even when I'm not actually keeping mine up-to-date).

So, I end off now, finally, with lots of love to all my fellow bloggers!!!

Susie xxx

PS. Last but not least, here are some recent photos - I know, I know, I need to take some more digi ones...

Saturday morning's treat - making fried eggs on toast with his Pa (my dad). He won't eat them if you make them for him, but he'll eat them off my dad's plate...

XXXX

The weekend

Well, it's Monday again and the weekend's over already. The weather in Cape Town has been cold and rainy on and off since last Monday. I don't know how some people live in places that have grey skies for weeks and weeks - a week of this is killing me!! Not to mention my poor house-bound child. He's soooo frustrated at not being able to play outside all the time...

So, this was my weekend at home on my own with him and we had so much fun together. On Saturday morning, we did a bit of shopping, then Jake had a party and then onto the aquarium. From there, Jake decided that he wanted Chinese for dinner, but we were both tired and the weather was really yuck, so opted for take-aways. Sunday morning, we had a slow start and then hired movies, bought popcorn and doughnuts and sweets and lazed on the couch in front of the TV. Bought McDonald's fries and went and ate them in the car along the beach front in Tableview. I love the sea when it's all stormy. Came home and coloured in, played with playdough and building blocks, did a puzzle, watched more TV and then it was time for bath and bed. Jake's so sweet at the moment and he's really understanding everything. It's great spending time with him and being able to communicate properly. There's nothing that gets by him any more and my Afrikaans is improving daily. He knows that there are a few words that he's not allowed to use (bloody, bugger, damnit, shut up, etc - yes, I know, I know, I'm learning to hold my tongue); on Saturday the dogs were barking and he leant over to me and whispered very quietly, "mommy, you tell the dogs to shut up". He also recently told my mom that she was driving him crazy for some or other reason. Father's day is this weekend and it's not generally one of my favourite days. Mostly because it means that we're coming up again to Jacques anniversary and it always astounds me that yet another year is gone. Also, the one and only father's day that Jacques had as a dad, was just a week before his accident. We were all so happy then and the memories are very bitter-sweet. Jake's busy making something for my dad at school as a father's day gift, but he won't tell me what - "it's a secret mommy". He told me that I'm not even allowed to mention it to my dad, or Pa as Jake calls him. So sweet.

As for the rest of this week, tomorrow night I've got dinner on with the girls (YAY!!! I can't wait!), Wednesday's Joanne's birthday and we're going out for a family dinner somewhere. Thursday I'm having dinner at a friend, but not much else on.

Love me xxx

Kirstenbosch

We had such a lovely weekend and the weather was beautiful! Saturday was a bit of a lazy day, but I managed to squash in some shopping. Jake behaved so well (thought he would be bored out of his mind). All in all, I bought myself new sunglasses, new jeans, new takkies (sneakers), a new duvet cover with new pillows, a magazine I'd wanted and a new CD. The best part of it all was that most of it was cheaper then expected and I actaully had fun. For those of you who don't know it, I am the world's WORST shopper. I hate it. If I could buy everything I needed on line and know that it would fit, I would. If I never have to put my foot inside any kind of store, I'd be happy. Shoe shopping's my ultimate worst. I know, I know - very unfeminine, but it's true. I'd happily give someone else money and get them to shop for me. So, Saturday's shopping for me was fabulous and I actually had fun!!

Saturday night Jake & I watched a DVD and ordered pizzas - my folks went out for the evening. Sunday, we did very little, but really enjoyed a picnic at Kirstenbosch with my folks, Rosanne and her boyfriend, Gareth. We walked, we ate, we played ball with Jake and then went home. Soooo relaxing and sooooo good for the soul.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

xxx

Shantaram 2

I keep ear-marking this book with quotes that I find touching in some way. My intention is to put these up on my blog, but there are just so many, that I can't possibly put them all on. So, here are just two that I've come across that I found really thought-provoking: -

"Honesty can be tested, and loyalty. But there is no test for love. Love goes on forever because love is born in the part of us that does not die"

"At first when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart. I still love you. And sometimes, my friend, the love that I have, and can't give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep."

For me the second quote is a really good description of the emotions that go along with losing someone you truly care about.

You all know the road that I have journeyed and I can honestly say that I can feel a change within my emotional self. I don't want to get old on my own. I want a partner that can I share love and life with. Yes, I'm willing to risk put my heart through all this again.

And on all that deep stuff, I hope that everyone of you has a wonderful weekend full of love!!

XXX

Shaving Fun...

One of the fun gifts Jake got for his birthday was a bathtime shaving kit. I got it out for him to play with in his bath for the first time on Wednesday evening and he had an absolute ball "shaving" himself. My dad had to have a shave first to show him what to do, but I was amazed at how quickly he caught on to the whole concept. You'd swear he's been doing this for years and years. Some pictures below; and yes, the shaving foam is blue...