Counting blessings...

Hopefully this break between my posts hasn't been too long for all of you. I have been trying all week to think of things to put up on my blog and had absolutely no idea what I could possibly bore you with. Anyway, today's Thursday and my office is so darned quiet, I have no idea what to do with the rest of my day. I don't think my office has ever been this clean! It's going to be a long day...

So, yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of Jacques' death. I guess it's always one of those days that's going to be a tough one on our calander. I can't help myself but re-live every moment minute-by-minute. From the time I kiss Jacques goodbye at the gate as he was leaving to go on his dive, to playing with Jacques, to the voice mail message I left on Jacques phone. The one that said "Hi, it's me. Where are you? Have you drowned, have you been eaten by a shark? Please phone me. I love you." To the police knocking on the door (fortunately they went to the wrong house, so brought a friend with), to phoning my parents, to sitting down and wondering what to do next. I can remember so clearly how I felt when I went to bed that night, where Jacques had slept just hours earlier, and my feelings when I woke up the next morning. It's a hollow, empty feeling and it literally aches with every ounce of your being. The kind of feeling where your stomach just drops into nowhere. When you know that there's nothing you can say or do that can ever change what's happened. It's permanent. It's a hurt that over powers everything else and, looking back, I honestly don't know how I survived it. I always said that if anything ever happened to Jacques, they could just dig a hole and bury me in the ground next to him. Funny how life works. Jake was just 6 weeks old and he must just have instinctively known that he needed to be good. He was an angel. I was blessed not to suffer any hassles with my milk supply and continued to breast-feed Jake through the whole ordeal. In every single way, I think that having him be so young, so dependant on me, was the biggest blessing I could have been sent. I knew I had to eat and drink to take proper care of me for his sake, regardless of how little I actually felt like eating or drinking. And, in between, I enjoyed every moment of him. Every second I spent with him renewed something within me. As tiny as he was, as unaware as he was of what was going on around him, he carried me through it all. When you go through something like this, you learn to count your blessings - I had Jake, he needed me. I don't think this day will ever pass where I won't re-live what we went through that day. It will always, always hurt and I will always regret the way things turned out. I have learnt though, that I can't turn back the clock; I can't rewind; we just have to keep moving forward and enjoy every moment of what we have to share while we are on this earth and look forward to what we will share and enjoy in the life here-after...

Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be so heavy, I hope I haven't got you all in tears. On a more cheerful note, I decided that I needed to make yesterday a happy day for Jake. He's too little to understand what it means and, even if he did, I don't see why he should be forced to feel down with the world. Facing facts, he didn't know Jacques. As much as it kills me to know that he'll never know and love his dad, it's a reality. He'll miss having a father, but not specifically Jacques. Anyway, he spent the day with Jacques' folks yesterday and they took him through to Hout Bay for breakfast. Last night, we went out for pizzas with my family. We had a glass of wine and all actually had a very nice time together. Just goes to show, a lot of this is about how you chose to deal with things.

I've got about a gazillion photos I'm going to bore you with now. My dad popped in with his digital camera earlier, so I down-loaded everything he had on it.

Jake swimming...

After the Shrek preview - my mom and Jake...

LAST NIGHT'S DINNER

Rosanne & Gareth...

My dad, Jake & I...

My mom and Jake...

Only in Winter - Jake enjoying the left-over ice...

On a last sad note, I found the lyrics to a song that I found too true for my life and thought I'd share them...

Pink - Who Knew

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Lots & lots of love and thanks to everyone who thought about us yesterday, means the world xxx