12 years, 12 lessons...

I have been a mom for 12 years today!!  Happy, happy, HAPPY 12th birthday Jake!!  You are growing into such a handsome, kind and caring boy and I am SO very proud to be your mom.  It's so much fun watching you grow up and learn new things every day!  It's incredible to see you becoming an independent young man and to watch your passion for nature and animals growing.  I am SO excited for our upcoming trip to Kruger and I can't wait for our long stay in the park!  I love sharing this special place with you and creating new memories and adventures together.  I LOVE YOU XXX

Since Jake was born, life has thrown me more than my fair share of curve balls.  Some have been more painful than others, but here's what I've taken from the last 12 years...

1.  Life changes. When Jake was born, life was so, incredibly exciting. I was young and innocent and life hadn't hurt me yet.  The thing is, though, we can't stop change, it is inevitable and we just have to learn to roll with it.

2.  Grief hurts forever. Yes, you do learn to live with the hurt you feel and someone once told me that the immediate ache of grief is like having a hole in your heart, that eventually gets a scab and forms a scar, but it never heals 100%.  It's true.  My heart still hurts so often and I miss Jacques all the time.  In 12 years, I've never once gone a day without thinking about him at least once.  No matter where I've been or with whom, he is always on my mind.

3.  Being a mother is all-consuming.  I live, eat, sleep and breathe Jake.  I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure that he's happy.  He's mine and I'm so PROUD of him.  Jake's needs come ahead of my own from here on out.  No more messing around, it's mom full time!

4.  I am fiercely protective.  Enough said - don't you dare do anything to upset my child!

5.  I have choices in life.  Be happy, or be sad.  Life is too short to be miserable and believe me, I've had plenty of reason to be miserable, but why?  Get off your bum and go outside and enjoy life with those who love you!

6.  Friends come and go, but the real ones are there when you really need them!  Even when you don't get to see them as often as you would like to, when you do catch up again, you pick up from where you left off.  Best friends are few and far between.  People who I thought would stand by Jake and I haven't and some have stepped up where I never expected them too.  

7.  I have an incredible family.  My mom, my dad and my sisters are my absolute rocks in life.  The 5 of us have been through so much together and I believe that we've come through whatever life's thrown at us with flying colours.  Jake, along with my nieces and nephews and my 2 amazing brothers-in-law form now form part of that inner circle for me.  I am also blessed with really wonderful in-laws - Jacques family are really fantastic too.

8.  Don't rely on others for my own happiness.  I have always been very quick to trust other people.  Trust is free, but should be earned.  I have learned a lot about this through my past relationships and this is something that I need to be a lot more cautious with in the future.  Trust needs to be earned, especially as far as men are concerned...

9.  Nothing in life is certain.  When you think you have a good thing, it's not necessarily that others feel the same way.  In the last 12 years, I have been let down numerous times, by people I didn't expect to let me down and I have learned from it that I need to be more careful in the future.

10.  Life is short.  It sounds so cliche to say it, but it's true.  Time goes far too quickly when you're having fun.  Jake is growing up too fast and I sometimes wish that I could press pause for a little bit.  Jake has also realised that he's growing up quickly and has decided that he doesn't want to be grown up just yet.  He is terrified of hitting puberty and just wants to stay as he is for a bit longer.

11.  Say what I want.  I have always been very indecisive.  I hate chosing a movie or what to have for dinner.  I am terrible at confrontation and will either not say what's on my heart, or otherwise it comes out all wrong.  Through Jake's ADD problems, I've had to learn to put my big girl pants on and make decisions for him on my own - that's been a really big lesson for me.  I can make decisions and I do make them well.  I just have to trust my gut and listen to the inner me more closely...

12. I am a single parent.  Single parenthood is incredibly difficult.  Unlike divorced parents, when you're widowed, you're 100% responsible for your child's welfare, both financially and emotionally.  It's a huge job when there are 2 of you and it's really tough when there's only 1 of you.  That said, I'm glad that I don't have an ex, fighting with me over money and visiting schedules.  I'd prefer to do it alone than to have to expose my child to all the unhappiness that goes along with a broken home.  That said, it is really awful making decisions for someone else (see 11 above).  I've learned that I don't have to make up the fact that Jake doesn't have a dad, I just have to smother him with love!

Love,

Sue XXX