Today is going to be a very long day for me, I had a bad night and didn't get much sleep after 1am. Jake has also been up most of the night, so I'm sure he's feeling shattered today at school too, which I hate. Fingers crossed he survives OK (or that his teacher does) till I pick him up at lunch time. He can fall apart after that, we have nothing on this afternoon and the weather's not looking great, so it might be a movie afternoon for us.
It's my princess, Amber. She's in pain and has been for a while. I'm doing my best to keep her warm and comfortable, but have been hesitant to give her too many painkillers, because she's taking so many other tablets (3 kinds, amounting to 10 pills a day!) and the vet has warned that the painkillers are going to be bad for her kidneys. She seems to manage OK without the painkillers too. But just after 1 this morning, she moved and hurt her leg in the process. I think she must've been lying on her sore leg and when she move and possibly tried to push herself over with it. She howled out in pain, I flew out of bed to help her and got her settled again fairly quickly. Jake was up though and so it too a while getting him settled and back to sleep again. Then, just before 4am, Amber got up, she howled and howled and howled. She went from my bedroom to the closed passage door and carried on crying. I went to let her out and as she moved out of the way of the door, she stumbled over into a slumped sitting position. I couldn't touch her leg either and eventually managed to get her (still howling) back into her bed. By the time that I got her settled down, the lights were on and Jake and I were wide awake. I managed to get her to eat something and got a painkiller into her. She seemed much better this morning, but I am anxious to get home to her. And I must get more meds from the vet today.
I find myself in the position of having to decide whether to carry on with her and give her the necessary pain medicines, that will ultimately damage her internal organs, or whether to have her put down while the going's good. She has been such a loyal, gentle soul and I just want to do what is best for her. She has given us much love over nearly 11 years (!) and it's only fair that I do what's in her best interest, not mine. Now that the end seems to be drawing near for her, I am finding this is so very hard to do. Ulitmately, Amber was Jacques' princess, so I guess it feels a little like I'd be sending her off to be with him, which makes it both harder and easier.
Sue X
5 comments:
This sort of decision is never easy and my thoughts are with you. She has been such a wonderful dog and you have given her a good life.
Much love and a big hug xxx
Oh susie I am so sorry t hear this about Amber. and as you say even more emotional being jacques dog. I hope that whatever you decide , Amber will have less pain and I wish you strength to deal with it. big hug xxx
Dear Sue,
I've held dogs and cats in my arms as we have had to put them down and let them go. It is an agonizing decision and an awful responsibility. But it is part of what we all must do. Having Amber's life so deeply entwined with Jacques' adds a poignant dimension.
I only know that in each situation we "knew". Something deep inside us understood when they themselves were at the end and the good days were outnumbered by the bad.
We've had the same vet for over twenty years and being with that trusted, compassionate man when these painful moments come does make it a bit easier.
I hope that when the time comes, Amber sees your face just as she shuts her eyes - with her next moment shared with Jacques beyond.
Love,
Lee
Thanks for all your love and thoughts, as always.
Lee, you made me cry as I read your thoughts of Amber's last earthly thoughts being of me and her first heavenly ones of Jacques. What a beautiful way to think of it.
She has medicine until Friday morning and is doing really well on it. Obviously the fear is that her kidneys go into failure, so we're just taking it one moment at a time. I will see how things go over next weekend and take it from there. For now, we are spoiling her and showering her with as much love as we can.
Sue X
hey hug youuuuuuuu
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