Valentine's Day 2016...

Well, it's here... another Valentine's Day where I find myself sitting "alone".  As always, I am surrounded by people who love me, just not the one that I want to. So I'm not celebrating it this year. Call me the Valentine's Day Grinch! If you are celebrating, well, then, Happy Valentine's Day to you, I hope you are spoiled and showered with lots of love!  Love is a wonderful thing.

On that note, we heard from Michael & Cameron last weekend.  They were both chatting to Jake and I via Instagram.  It was both really difficult and really comforting.  They are missing us as much as we miss them and agree that things are so different without us.  It also gave me the chance to apologise for them having to be caught up in our grown up problems, even though this wasn't my decision.  Jake is dying to see the boys again, but I have decided that this little bit of cyber contact is enough for now.  When they are bigger, it will be different, but for now, my heart can't deal with more and I need to protect Jake too.  He has been hurt enough. 

Added to feeling a big bit blue, Jake is also going away this Valentine's Day.  He is very excited about going on a hike with his scout group up Table Mountain. They leave early tomorrow morning and are camping out in the scout hut on top of Table Mountain over night, then hiking back down on Sunday morning.  It's his first overnight hike away from home and he doesn't really like being away from home.  He is a creature of comfort, a bit like me.  It's important that he does these things and I am excited for the learning that comes for him with a trip like this.  Of course, I cannot wait to pick him up again on Sunday afternoon - he will always be my one true Valentine!  We have planned sushi for dinner and will probably rent a DVD, depending on how exhausted Jake is after his hike.

Anyway, that's all from me.  I have updated photos of all the kiddies, so will share them ASAP.

Sending love,

Sue XXX

Busy as you know us...

I seem to have gone a bit off my photography and blogging lately... I'm sorry about that!  Call it a slump, but I just feel uninterested at the moment.  Perhaps it was the lazy school holidays, perhaps it was just a combination of events, but it feels like it's taking a bit of time for us to get back into the swing of things again this year.

I used to suffer from Sunday blues when I knew that my weekends were coming to an end and now I somehow feel a bit like I suffer from these blues on a Friday, which really sucks because I do love the weekends!  It's a silly mindset and I'm so used to packing up and heading off to the beach on Fridays, that I tend to feel a bit lost on Friday afternoons.  Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT miss packing bags, but I did do it quite gladly while I had to.  I won't go into all that I miss about that time in my life - onward and upward!

There are many changes that I've had to go through over the last 2 months.  I decided before Christmas to go back on anti-depressants; there was simply no way that I could help Jake understand his own emotional trauma and deal with my own.  Perhaps some will view it as the cowardly thing to have done, but it worked for us and it meant that the holidays were definitely more bearable.  I don't like being sad.

Jake's had a tough start to the new year.  I took him off his old meds before the end of the 4th term last year and he had a fantastic holiday without them.  He had so much energy and spunk and managed to grow quite a bit and put on some weight too.  His new meds started at the beginning of January, but were a complete disaster and last week was a week from hell for him.  He was sick and I had to pick him up from school twice because he was just so unhappy.  Not my boy at all!!  A trip to the dr saw us reverting back to his old meds and he seems 100 times happier again and is coping much better with his day.  I saw his teacher yesterday and she said he's like a new kid this week - YAY!  Happy kid = happy mom!!

Aside from that, Jake and I have moved back in with my mom and dad for a bit.  I've rented my house out for some extra cash, which means that Jake and I will have the opportunity to travel a bit this year.  We've canned our idea to visit the States, the tickets were just too expensive and so we're heading back to Kruger in June/July for 16 nights.  It'll just be the two of us this time and we're both really looking forward to it.  Living with my mom and dad is great, we all get on really well and we have enough space to not feel like we're living on top of each other.  It's really home from home for us.

Besides having our Kruger trip to look forward to, Jake and I have put our names down for a new dog.  It might take a while before the right poochie reaches us, but it will happen and she will be well trained this time around!!  Duracell has not been well and we nearly had him put down during the holidays, but he's managed to pull himself right for now.  He'll be 15 in July, so we know his days are numbered and we're just showering him with love while we can.  I won't let him suffer and we will do what's best for him when we need to.

Work-wise things are going well.  I have a ton of accumulated leave that I need to start using up, I just wish that I had more money to travel more and I wish that our Rand wasn't so bloody weak!  Our company has a new majority share holder and the changes that we're going through are very exiting.  It's lovely to be part of this process and I think we're all looking forward to the next step!  Speaking of that, I start a little online course next week, so looking forward to some personal growth too.

As for the weekend ahead, we've got quite a busy one lined up and I'm looking forward to it!  This week's been busy, but happy as we settle into our new normal.

Hope everyone's well, promise to try take some photos to post soon!

Love,

Sue XXX

Forgotten days...

 Our holidays seem like they were so long ago.  Despite all the dramas that we've faced, Jake and I had a good holiday.  We spent too much time watching TV and being very lazy, but it was what we needed.  That and to be with the people who care about us most.  2016 has had a very slow start for us, personally.  It's the way we like it.

We spent time in Kommetjie with Jake's wonderful grandparents.  Above, Jake's looking for mussels with his granny and grandpa, which we used to make THE most delicious mussel pot I've ever had - I am converted!

Views from the beach...

 Jake worked very hard and found plenty of mussels.  Yum, yum...

 Rosie and Gareth spoiled us with the most delicious braai for Christmas Eve at their house.  It's so exciting to be able to share this stage with Rylee and Jake is really enjoying having another younger cousin in the family.  And despite his uber-cool hair cut, he's not to big to behave like a little kid too.  Best of both...

 Gorgeous boys...

 Despite his serious face, Jake was playing so nicely with Rylee, makes his mommy's heart mealt...

 My little Gogga - he's getting more and more handsome by the day...

 Rosie's clever Christmas place settings...

 Jake got hold of my camera while we were chatting (and drinking wine) and took the next two pics...

 Perhaps he will be the family photographer from now on...

 Bed time came too quickly and Rylee was very excited with the carrots for the reindeer and snacks for Father Christmas...

   Rylee and Gareth...

 Add Rosie...

 Add Jake and Hilux...

 Add grandparents...

 And a last selfie...

 Goodnight kisses...

 Jake and Hilux (winking)...

 We went to go see Rylee opening his presents on Christmas morning - he was still excited with the carrots...

 Jake decided to save his goodies to open with Rylee...

 Rylee was well into the swing of things and loved his big ball, before he'd even unwrapped it.  He also loves his new broom...

 And his spade...

 Jake got some new treat t-shirts.  He's getting so big now, his t-shirts fit me and he takes me up to the bridge of my nose...

 Rylee really knows what presents are this year and he really enjoyed himself...

 Brave boy...

 Jake was spoiled this year.  I did get a really awesome Christmas bonus this year, so it was an extra extra and he has put money in towards it, plus is for his birthday and Christmas combined - please don't judge me...

 Whoo-hoo - a set of wheels!  It looks nothing like the picture on the box any more - it's rolled and rolled and the paint has chipped a bit...

Christmas lunch was a relaxed one at my mom's house...  It was really lovely that we could all be together this year for a change.  Here's Jo and Corky, who's just started grade 1!!

 Sharing gifts between each other is always exciting.  We decided only to do for the kids this year...

 Our pretty table...

 Rylee enjoying chocolates before lunch...

 Bi got a flutterby from Nini and Pa... it moves away from your hands, so you can direct it and keep it up - the whole family had fun with it on Christmas morning...

 Bi almost couldn't believe it, real magic...

 Completely tickled...

 Corky's very into his lego and he makes the most amazing things...

 We decorated the table with Polaroid photos that we took on Christmas morning of the family...

 And after lunch, there was plenty of time for relaxing and swimming.  I might have fallen asleep on a couch somewhere...

 New Year's Eve was a very quiet affair for us, but you know us, life is never boring.  Jake decided that he was going to get dressed up and borrowed a tie from Pa to wear with his t-shirt...

 Pa copied Jake and Nini and I also got a bit dressed up.  There was lots of champagne and wine and we had the most divine steak braai ever.  It was just the 4 of us, but that was what we needed this year...

 Jake helped with the braai and it was a really relaxed evening.  We swam and giggled and it was really a lovely evening.  I am very lucky to have the parents that I do, they take such good care of Jake and I...

 And then, before we knew it, it was time for back to school.  We didn't see much of Abi and Becky during the holidays, because they've been super busy with their training schedules.  Becky (left) started high school though and so we had to see her in her uniform on her first morning!

Besides that, we went through to Fish Hoek to swim a few times, visited friends and family and really, really had a quite holiday.  Duracell took a bit of a bad turn towards the end of the holidays and has hurt his leg.  He will be 15 on 4 July and so we know that we have to make the kind decision for him, but I couldn't do it to Jake in the holidays, he'd already had a difficult one.  Duracell is not in pain and is still eating, so we're keeping him comfortable for as long as we can.

Back to school is always a tough time.  We don't like getting back into routine and it is busy.  Jake's in grade 6 this year and it's frightening to think that by the end of this year, he'll be half way through his school career.  He has a lovely teacher and this is the first year that the kids move to different teachers for various subjects, which takes a bit of adjusting.  Jake's also decided to work hard on keeping his work up-to-date and has already started making study notes for June/July exams... be prepared - that's a good scout!!

Jake and I have put our USA trip plans on hold too.  The Dollar is not working in our favour and we were looking at well over R100K for a 3 week trip.  We have, instead, booked to go back to Kruger in the June/July holidays and we are VERY excited about it.  Because we've booked last minute, we have had to take the scraps as far as accommodation goes and we'll be moving around a bit, but that just adds to the adventure.  We're flying in to Nelspruit and hiring a car from there.  I think Skukuza is about 1 1/2 hours away from Nelspruit.  It'll just be Jake and I this time and we have a full 16 nights in the park! We are already counting the days!

Hope the start of 2016 has been good to you all!  2016 has definitely started far better for us than 2015 ended.

Sending love,

Sue XXX

Back again...

A month and 2 days have passed since Marius and his boys left our lives...  It's been a very tough month for Jake and I indeed.  There's not a day that passes that Jake doesn't mention the boys and our hearts have ached their way through the holidays, constantly wondering what they're doing.  

We've had time to grieve for the relationships lost, not only with Marius, but with his boys, his mom, his sisters and our friends...  it's a bitter pill to swallow after devoting 2 1/2 years of our lives to all these people.   I don't know the real reasons for Marius leaving me, perhaps I never will.  I can't get my head around the fact that Marius' reason was a fear of commitment - it just doesn't make sense after 2 1/2 years.  2 months, maybe, but not this long.  I cannot help but believe that there must be someone else, why else would he have quit on us or given up without discussion?  One of the many things I learned when Jacques died, is that you can drive yourself completely mad by asking "why?", so I'm trying not to, but it isn't easy.  I have had to accept that Marius just didn't love me; crazy how happy I was and how blissfully unaware I was of his unhappiness...

Besides feeling like we have to avoid the beach where Marius lives, we do miss it there.  We have always loved Blouberg beach and the Blue Peter Restaurant has always been one of our favourites.  Both Jake and I are nervous about bumping into Marius though.  We are unsure of how we will react - I'm sure I would just say hello and keep walking, while Jake has threatened to kick him in the balls and flick a finger if he sees him.  I'm sure it's just talk and he would also be polite - it's how he's been raised.  But the boys... oh the boys, I think I would go running after them if I saw them!!  Jake says he would just hug them so tight.  So we've avoided the chance of bumping in to any of them all together... it's been tough!!
 
So... 2016 is here!  It's a new year and time for a new start for us.  As most of you know, I don't do sad very well... Jake and I have spent plenty of days doing very little, besides swimming at home and being with our family and closest friends.  They are the ones who love us unconditionally and who know how to make us smile again.  Jake has had a good, restful holiday and that was what we both needed.

2016 will be very different from how I'd imagined it would be, but we have lots of plans in the pipeline, all of them travel-related.  We have rented our house out for 3 months and will be moving in with my parents - it's a great way for us to earn some extra cash and to be able to travel more.  Our first trip is going to be to visit friends in the USA and we are really looking forward to starting our plans on that.  Where to go and how much could we squeeze into one big holiday??  Hopefully we'll be able to plan another trip to Kruger soon and we also have some plans for a holiday in Greece again...  watch this spot, we are definitely going places!!

I hope that everyone else has had a wonderful Christmas and New Year, may 2016 be everything that you hoped it would be!  I will share some holiday snaps (there aren't many) as soon as I can!

Sending love,
Sue XXX

Blindsided...

There are times in life, when a curve ball is tossed in your direction and hits you square in the face.  It knocks you out and you are blinded by the pain that shoots across your face, to your head, through your heart and the rest of your body, until your entire life simply cramps in agony...

Marius dumped me. Not just me, but my precious Jake as well and our hearts are simply broken.

For reasons that I will never know, our wonderful, happy relationship is over.  For the first time in a long time (since Jacques died), I was really completely happy and excited by life.  I felt like everything was going so well for us, but this has destroyed all my hopes and dreams of happiness and and our little "family" is no more.  My heart is physically aching for the boys that I have loved like my own and now lose.  And it is so hard to see my child grieving for his "brothers", as he calls them.  it has sucked having to take their Christmas presents back to the stores for refunds, but what else must I do?  It feels like we have lost everything and yet, we still have each other and we will cling to that.  Jake and I do that well.

I have spent many sleepless hours wondering how Marius could possibly have reach the decision that our relationship was worth ending.  It was a really great relationship.  I have been completely blindsided by his decision and I feel like such a fool.  We were so great together and we had a very well balanced relationship.  We hardly ever saw each other during the week and we both enjoyed our freedom.  Our weekends were always spent down at his beach house.  Marius had time for his training I never once stopped him from spending time with his friends or family.  I'm not that sort of person.  I must also add that I have never pressurized him into making any further commitment to me, I was happy with the way thinks were going.  Marius' excuses feel so wishy-washy and I can't get my head around it.  There has to be more lurking behind it...

I wish I had an answer, a decent reason to give my child for this sudden end.  I will spend the rest of my life wondering and missing him.  The hurt I feel right now, feels almost as bad as what I felt when Jacques died and I wish that I could stop crying for five flippen minutes.

This break up experience has been so damaging to my child and it has ruined our Christmas holidays to a very large extent.  Thank goodness it didn't happen during exams!!  I am dreading going to my work function alone tonight, which happens to be at Buitenverwachting, which was a big enough hurdle to overcome on its own.  My entire family is in Jhb for my cousin's wedding this weekend, so Jake and I are alone.

I must say, that I do love Marius and I have nothing bad to say about him.  I would take him back and give us a second chance in a heartbeat, but I know that he won't change his mind.  He just didn't love me.


Sending love,
Sue XXX

A birthday celebration...

My dad turns 64 today and we had a little get-together to celebrate it yesterday.  I don't think I know a single adult who enjoys their birthday as much as my dad, Jon.  I guess it's from his illnesses, that he realises that each year is one more to celebrate and we're all happy to indulge him.  The kids love it and Jake was really thrilled to see Corky for dinner, especially during exam time.  The two of them sat chatting away on the front stoep for ages.
  It's lovely how well they get on these days...

 Stinky Binky was there too - the little rose amongst all the thorns.  She's too cute for words and apparently told Jo last night after they'd left that Sue was her girlfriend, friend and twin - she suddenly clicked that we share a birthday.  Very cute, but the best role I have is being her auntie...

 I had a canvas print done for my parents a while ago of the grandchildren.  Bi was probably only 7 months old and she's got hardly any hair and of course, Rylee wasn't around yet.  I had hoped to catch a snap to update it for my mom for Christmas, but my gogga (Rylee) was tired and between Jake, Corky and Stinky Binky, it's quite difficult to get them all to look at me without pulling funny faces and I've since realised that the sunny wall in the background just wasn't great...

 Corky was probably the cutest yesterday, I have to say.  He insisted on wearing his shirt and tie, with black pants and looked too cute for words.  He spent a lot of time thinking about what he could give Pa for his birthday and came up with lots of great ideas - like a wig, since my dad doesn't have much hair left.  He eventually, very thoughtfully, settled on a Mecano set, which he'll have to help Pa build, because Pa's eyes aren't very good...

 

 Yep, definitely a good choice... birthday presents for me on your birthday too.  Smart boy...

 Pa was very touched...

 Despite having a house full of visitors, Pa took time to enjoy his grandchildren too...

 Bi wasn't too happy about having to share her swing (myyyy swing), because she wanted to go HIGH...

 Another attempt to get all 4 kids looking great, now I'm just not sure about the boring wall behind them...

 Jake's pretty much learned the drill... look at me and smile.  Don't move...

But Auntie Rosie was trying so hard to get Rylee to smile, it was very distracting...

Despite the fact that half of them aren't looking at me, this is probably my favourite...

 or this... any comments?  

 Bibi waiting for Pa to blow out the candles, so that she can have some pudding...

 Hahaha - Corky's very funny with the camera at the moment... he's always pulling faces...

 Cake time...

 Rylee helping Pa blow out the candles...

 Nini with Gogga and Stinky Binky...

 Oh gosh... four kids and a granny, to get them all to just keep their eyes open was a challenge...

 Like I said, my dad likes a party.  He likes to have the stage and be able to have his say for 5 minutes (or 10)...

the kids all sat very quietly...

 And then surprise surprise, Jon whipped out his guitar and sang a couple of numbers...

 Rylee is loving having his hair cut at the moment.  I'm not sure how many of you know that my mom is a hairdresser...  she has worked from home for years, from this bathroom.  At the moment, Rylee gets his hair cut about 4 times a day.  This was already his second cut for the evening...

 He's so good and has such gorgeous hair...

 Of course, Nini indulges him the whole way... she loves it as much as he does...

 Big blue eyes...

And when he realises that we're all watching him and telling him how good he is, that's when he's really happy...

Just before we left, one snap of Pa with the kids... Gogga was already sound asleep... 

 Happy birthday, Dad!  Here's to many more!  Looking forward to my leftovers for supper tonight!

Love, Sue XXX